Mashable is celebrating Pride Month by exploring the modern LGBTQ world, from the people who make up the community to the spaces where they congregate, both online and off.
Whether you're a queer person, trans person, or a straight ally, LGBTQ Pride Month (known to some as "June") is an excellent time to celebrate sexuality, honor fluid expressions of gender, and acknowledge the incredible impact queer and trans people have made on our world.
Of course, sensitivity is paramount to being a productive and considerate Pride participant — both in June and beyond — but are you being the most sensitive you can be?
Most folks don't like to see themselves as capable of discrimination or bias, let alone as part of the all too intimidating "problem." Unfortunately, as research has shown us time and time again, cultural blindspots can lead even the most well-meaning astray.
For many, unconscious biases creep into the common vocabulary by way of microaggressions(opens in a new tab), behaviors that subtly or indirectly communicate a derogatory or otherwise hostile message to the recipient. Microaggressions have the power to make those on the receiving end feel socially uneasy, culturally out of place, or even physically unsafe.
While many would agree the results of microaggressions are unequivocally bad, plenty of us still struggle to identify when we are guilty of perpetuating a common bias. Thankfully, you dear reader, are seeking out ways to avoid these harmful missteps — and so are we.
In honor of Pride Month, we spoke with microaggression expert and psychology professor Kevin Nadal, who brought us up to speed on some of the common discriminatory errors he's still seeing made. The first openly-gay man to serve as president of the Asian American Psychological Association, Nadal has written extensively about social justice, LGBTQ issues, and microaggressions. He has also previously served as the executive director of The Center for LGBTQ Studies.
Per Mashable's conversation with Nadal, here are seven anti-queer microaggressions to be on the lookout for -- this month and all year long.
Note: For a more basic introduction to LGBTQ acceptance, checkout GLAAD's guide to being a better ally(opens in a new tab) and The Human Rights Campaign's glossary of queer terminology(opens in a new tab).
1. Stereotyping someone's cultural interests
Despite what common marketing might tell you, not all gay men watch RuPaul's Drag Race and not all lesbians are fans of the soon-to-be-revived L Word.
Hammering your queer friends for their thoughts on stereotypically queer pop culture, without first checking that they actually follow whatever show, movie, or artist you're talking about, can be a microaggression.
Assuming someone's television preference may not sound like a big deal. But stereotypes — no matter what they're about — have the ability to hurt and cause anxiety for the individuals you're making generalizations about, whether what you're saying is something traditionally considered offensive or a seemingly benign platitude.
Assumptions can force marginalized people to repeatedly serve as involuntary educators for those who lack awareness, forcing them to repeat LGBTQ 101 factoids and canned definitions of the words "stereotype" and "discrimination" for any (and every) insensitive person they encounter. Alternatively, they may even resign themselves to endure this harmful and reductive behavior to avoid the annoyance and frustration of having to correct those around them.
"People just need to be aware of any stereotypes that they have about any group, and reflect upon that before they get into those situations," advises Nadal. "If you have that awareness before you come into contact with a queer or trans person, then you are less likely to say those kinds of things because you recognize that it is a stereotype."
If you're not sure if what you're saying is a stereotype, Nadal recommends reflecting carefully on why you believe whatever it is that you're asserting, and being acutely aware of how the person you're speaking to is reacting.
"See that maybe somebody is showing discomfort in their face or body language, that they don't appreciate the presumption that you've just made about them," he notes. "Choose to pick up on those cues."
2. Invading a queer or trans person's sexual and bodily privacy
Some people may assume(opens in a new tab) that queer and trans people are inherently more comfortable talking about their sex lives and sexual preferences than their heterosexual and cisgender peers. Similarly, some may think that a trans person's genitalia is appropriate to bring up in common conversation.
"With bisexual women, people might ask them directly about their sex life, sexual preferences, and what they like," Nadal explains. "Gay men might also be asked about their sexual preferences, with people asking them, 'Are you a top or a bottom?' And trans people might be asked about their body parts, or what surgeries they've had."
Nadal says these questions are all fairly common, but that doesn't make them any more acceptable.
"[Cisgender and straight] people need to empathize with how annoying that might be to have to navigate those types of questions regularly," Nadal says. "There is this notion that the sexuality of queer and trans people is fair game, when it isn't necessarily something that's talked about with heterosexual people."
3. Assuming sexuality based on gender performance
The LGBTQ community is a vast and varied segment of the population, comprised of unique individuals. While sexuality and gender expression often intersect, assuming someone's sexuality based off of their gender performance — i.e. how they do or do not choose to express their masculine, feminine, or otherwise gendered traits — is at its core a harmful stereotype.
"We've all been taught from birth that there are two genders and that those genders are supposed to be a certain way," says Nadal. "When people start to explore their sexuality or think about their sexual orientation and identity, again they are taught there is a right way to be, which is heterosexual, and a wrong way to be, which is everything else. Those things are so embedded into our society that there are many ways that microaggressions may manifest as a result of that."
Presupposing someone's sexual orientation based on their appearance or pronouns may be a result of society's longstanding binary view of gender, but that doesn't make it any less hurtful. Queer people should not have to disprove assumed straightness, or be forced to "come out" on a routine basis. By being considerate of the way you interact with everyone in your life, you can avoid assumptions and make queer people feel more comfortable.
Of course, it's fine to wonder if someone has a partner, and if appropriate, even ask what their partner or partners may be like. Still, you shouldn't assume anyone's sexual orientation before they have chosen to share that part of their identity with you. After all, it's personal.
4. Applying insensitive humor to sensitive subjects
As countless regretful comedians can tell you, edgy social commentary is a slippery and often problematic slope. If you find yourself toying with making a joke that could be at the expense of a queer person or queer group, Nadal recommends reconsidering.
"Be really mindful," he advises. "Why go out of your way to write [or say] something that might upset somebody or hurt their feelings when you could choose to not write [or say] anything at all?"
Whether you're a cisgender person mockingly identifying your cat or dog as gender fluid or putting in "joke" pronouns in the pronoun field on a dating app what you might perceive as a comedic opening could hurt the people who hear or see it — even if that wasn't your intention.
"You hurt someone's feelings, so take some accountability for it and then take responsibility."
"If you're a person of trans experience or gender non-conforming experience online and you're seeing [online] profiles mocking your identity, then that can feel really other-ing," says Nadal, who went on to emphasize the importance of empathy.
"You might not be able to fully understand what a queer person is going through, but we can try to understand how they're feeling or at least feel compassion if somebody experiences discrimination, hurt, pain, or hate on a regular basis. We can try our best to at least make life a little easier for them."
If you have made a joke that unintentionally hurt someone, Nadal recommends removing or deleting the material if it's online, making a private or public apology if appropriate, and reflecting on why you chose to say what you did.
"If you do commit a microaggression of any sort, it's important to understand why that might have been hurtful to somebody and to reflect as to why you even said what you said," he says.
"You hurt someone's feelings, so take some accountability for it and then take responsibility."
5. Demanding "proof" of sexual orientation
For many queer people, exhibiting or otherwise providing evidence of one's sexual orientation is a harmful part of a toxic, heteronormative routine. This is especially true for bisexual and pansexual people.
You would never demand a straight person "prove" their straightness to you.
Judging the sexuality of someone based off the gender of their current partner, or even asking for the dating history of a bisexual or pansexual person, so you can judge just "how gay" they are, fundamentally invalidates the authenticity of that person's identity.
It also propagates a number of harmful stereotypes about the non-monosexual community, including the incorrect belief that sexuality exists in a strict binary of heterosexual and homosexual, as well as the fallacy that being bisexual is somehow a temporary or transitive "phase."
According to Nadal, the stressors that come with a queer person having to constantly explain themselves and their sexual orientation can have serious consequences.
"Qualitative and quantitative studies have revealed that LGBTQ people who experience microaggressions have reported negative outcomes like depression, low self-esteem, and trauma," Nadal notes in a 2018 academic publication(opens in a new tab).
Speaking with Mashable, Nadal emphasized the acute struggles bisexual women can face when it comes to being routinely interrogated about their sexuality.
"There are very specific anti-bisexual microaggressions that occur, and a lot of rich research emerging on some of the health disparities that bisexual women face related to the microaggressions they experience," says Nadal.
While research on health disparities between the monosexual and non-monosexual communities is still emerging, a comprehensive review of studies in 2017(opens in a new tab) from researchers at Northwestern University's medical school describes an increased risk for mental health problems and substance abuse among bisexual individuals.
In keeping with Nadal's assertions, the study strongly links these negative outcomes to "stress related to stigma and discrimination" — specifically citing monosexual individuals questioning "the validity and stability of a bisexual individual’s identity" as a common microaggression.
You would never demand a straight person "prove" their straightness to you. As such, you should always take a queer person at face value when they have disclosed their sexual orientation to you, be it monosexual, bisexual, pansexual, or otherwise.
6. Standing by when someone is deadnamed or misgendered
Deadnaming is the act of calling a transgender person by their name assigned at birth, as opposed to how they identify now. Misgendering is the act of using incorrect pronouns when speaking to a trans or gender fluid person.
Both, as you might have guessed, are harmful microaggressions.
"When people do come out and others are familiar with what their name assigned at birth was, some people can then use that knowledge as a tool to insult them," says Nadal, emphasizing the rampant use of deadnaming in political or otherwise controversial conversations online(opens in a new tab).
"It's a normal everyday thing to ask for somebody's pronoun."
"Other times, it might be more subtle and well-intentioned, where somebody misgenders somebody without the intention of hurting them. Either they're unaware of that person's gender or they're still learning how to ask what that person's gender pronouns are."
Regardless of intent, deadnaming or misgendering is never OK. Similarly, try to avoid standing idly by when you witness someone being deadnamed or misgendered. If it's safe to do so, correct others when either of these microaggressions occur, be it online or in-person.
And, if you're unsure about someone's correct pronouns, Nadal says to use the neutral pronoun "they" until they tell you or you have the opportunity to ask.
"In my experience, if you ask a person of their pronoun use in a very genuine and kind way, many people may find that validating or welcoming — because you are not making assumptions and are giving them the respect to self-identify," says Nadal.
"It's a normal everyday thing to ask for somebody's pronoun. We shouldn't try to make it a weird or even pathologized, abnormal thing to do. It can just be a common practice, as common as asking someone what their name is.”
Alternatively, GLAAD recommends(opens in a new tab) listening first, either for the person to identify their own correct pronoun or for someone else in the conversation who knows the person to use their correct pronoun. If you must ask which pronoun someone uses, GLAAD recommends beginning by clarifying your own pronouns and then asking for theirs.
7. Disrespecting queer spaces both online and off
With Pride Month comes hundreds of opportunities for queer people, trans people, and their allies to attend events dedicated to celebrating the LGBTQ community. If you are an ally planning to attend one of these events (or just partake in Prideful social media), take a moment to summon your most sensitive self before participating.
"Heterosexual and cisgender people should be allowed to come to Pride, as they should be allowed to go anywhere," says Nadal. "At the same time, they need to be mindful of their surroundings and of the space that they take up."
To that end, allies are a welcome and beloved part of the Pride community, but it is important to remember that these events serve as sacred safe spaces for queer and trans people to celebrate their identities — not an opportunity for you to marginalize them, intentionally or unintentionally.
"If you're at Pride as a way of ogling people or to exoticize people or tokenize people or to see what the 'freak show' is all about, then that's a very different experience than coming as a true ally, there to support queer and trans people," cautions Nadal. "Do that self-reflection before you even go to the Pride event. What is the intention of your going to Pride?"
This June, honor the lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, and queer people in your life by celebrating with sensitivity. Think before you speak. Listen before you defend. And as always, be proud.
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