The timeless oral sex anthem, "My Neck, My Back" by rapper Khia, includes the renowned lyric: "Lick it good, suck this pussy just like you should."
But those who are inexperienced or perhaps uneducated may ask: How should I "lick it good"?
The good news is, there's no one way you "should" go down on someone — but there are important steps. Three sex experts laid out how to best perform cunnilingus, from communication to foreplay.
Let's talk about oral sex, baby
Cunnilingus can be daunting for beginners, said Dr. Chelsie Reed, author of Sexpert: Desire, Passion, Sensations, Intimacy, and Orgasm to Indulge in Your Best Sex Life(opens in a new tab), as it's not usually taught but is a matter of trial and error. Reed, who has a PhD in psychology, research and evaluation, said we can do better than that.
First off, talk about wanting to give or receive oral sex with your partner. This is especially important if you're with someone new. Vulvas are unique as snowflakes, said Gigi Engle(opens in a new tab) — ACS, certified sex educator who specializes in gender, sexuality, and relationship diversity — so when you're with a new partner it's fair to assume you're going in blind. Be willing to be flexible; this partner may like different moves than people you've been with in the past.
You can sext or talk in-person. Having a post-coital talk may be easier to muse over what you want to try next time, Reed said. If you're receiving, ask what they like or say what you'd like to do with them.
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Many people with vulvas worry about their looks, smell, taste, or that they take too long to orgasm, said Dr. Laurie Mintz, PhD, sexpert at sex toy brand LELO(opens in a new tab), and author of Becoming Cliterate(opens in a new tab) and A Tired Woman's Guide to Passionate Sex(opens in a new tab). In terms of the former three, Mintz attributes that to false perceptions by the media and corporations attempting to sell products that make the vagina smell like flowers. (Vagina smells like vagina, okay?)
Receiving oral can be vulnerable for these reasons or others — say, previous bad experiences. Mintz, who has a PhD in psychology, encourages people to have honest conversations about these fears and worries.
Set boundaries, like around if or when the receiver wants to stop. This is imperative if the receiver is an abuse survivor, Mintz added.
Don't be afraid to communicate during the act, either. Neither givers nor receivers can read each others' minds. If your partner moving their tongue ever so slightly to the left will get you off, say so!
Oral sex education
If you want to sharpen your tongue (pun intended), you can do some research — maybe even with your partner. Educational platforms like OMGYES(opens in a new tab) and Climax(opens in a new tab) provide in-depth videos on how to pleasure vulvas. They cost between $49 - $119, and between $29 - $99, respectively.
All the experts agree, however: Don't try to learn about oral sex from porn. "The oral sex portrayed in porn is filmed to give the camera easy access to a view of the vulva," explained Mintz. "Generally, in porn, the person giving it sticks their tongue out as far as possible and the receiver orgasms quickly from it. In reality, the giver’s face needs to be very close to the receiver’s genitals and it can take up to 45 minutes for the receiver to climax."
There's lots of ways someone may prefer oral: licking, sucking, staying right on the clit or paying attention to other parts of the vulva. Some people prefer licking inside the vagina or a combination of fingering and oral. Massaging the area around the clit and putting pressure on the mons pubis — the fatty tissue that lies on one's pubic bone, above the vulva — can be enjoyable too.
"A rookie mistake is to only focus on oral," Reed said. Discover what your partner enjoys by talking with them or experimenting. Pay attention to what type of toys they love; if they're really into clit suckers, for example, they may love you sucking on their clit. If they love vibrators, they may rather you lap at their clit with your tongue. Or maybe rabbit vibes are their favorite; in that case, they may go wild for a fingering and oral combo.
Sexpert Kenneth Play told Men's Health to start with the flat of your tongue(opens in a new tab), as it covers more surface area. If they're into receiving pleasure right on their clit, though, they may love when you use the tip of your tongue.
What do they respond to? Are they bucking up their hips, or staying still and silent? Your partner's body language can say a lot about what they like, in addition to their words.
You can incorporate actual vibrators and other toys, as well. These can be especially helpful if the giver gets tired performing oral or fingering.
Mintz recommended a couple books for accurate information on oral sex:
She Comes First(opens in a new tab) by Ian Kerner
The Guide to Getting it On(opens in a new tab) by Paul Joannides, specifically the chapter "Oral Sex: Vulvas & Honey Pots"
Getting in the mood
If either partner is concerned about cleanliness, take a shower beforehand — maybe even together. Then again, Mintz said, the giver may love the smell of sweat after a hard workout. This is why you communicate about your preferences!
To clean the vulva, Mintz advised to separate the labia and wash between them — with either water alone or mild, unscented soap — once a day. Don't use harsh soaps or douches, as that's not good for vaginal health.
If you're shy about receiving, you can try different ways to get comfortable, like turning the lights off.
Consider whether using protection is best for you. STIs can be transmitted through oral sex, so you're not in the clear just because penetration isn't involved. If you and your partner already share bodily fluids (are "fluid bonded"(opens in a new tab)) and don't use protection, then you can skip it.
If not, though — or say the receiver is on their period but still wants some oral — there are several options: dental dams, finger condoms, or latex underwear Lorals(opens in a new tab).
Don't jump straight to cunnilingus, said Mintz, as it's important to build arousal with other activities first, like making out or breast play. You can warm up by caressing and kissing your partner on the way down. Kissing inner thighs before moving to the actual genitals is also a good move, said Engle.
During and after the act
Just as you communicate before and after sex, you can during sex as well. You can certainly use your words, but Reed also suggests non-verbal cues for liking or not liking something. As an example, she said: "A double tap means it isn’t pleasurable, move on. A squeeze means it is good."
"This is where it is important to follow your partner's cues, pay attention to what they like, and practice," Reed said. "The fun is in the practice."
Always ask before adding anything new in, like a finger or a toy, but don't change too much at once either. Make one change at a time and see how your partner reacts, said Mintz.
Experiment with different positions beyond the classic "receiver lies on their back." The receiver can also kneel over a partner's face or sit in a chair. The latter position can be more comfortable for the giver's neck, said Mintz. Another way to relieve the giver's neck is to place a pillow (like Dame's Pillo) underneath the receiver's bottom or lower back.
Never, ever blow air into the vagina; it can cause a dangerous air embolism(opens in a new tab). Some people, however, enjoy when you blow on the vulva.
If the giver has a penis and loses their erection, that's okay — don't stop to switch to penetration. This can frustrate the receiver; oral sex is about their pleasure, after all. "You don’t need a boner to give good oral," Mintz said, "and you can get it back later."
Know that neither you nor your partner are perfect, but you don't need to be to experience pleasure. "Each partner will be different and like softer, harder, longer, shorter, fingers, vibrators, lube, or dry — simply just different touch," said Reed.
Afterwards, you can have the dreamy post-coital sex talk that Reed suggested above. Or, you can bust out "My Neck, My Back" — whatever's best for you.
This article was originally published in 2022 and republished in 2023.
